Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
