you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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