We named our party play list daddy issues
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
