i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
