I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
