Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize