Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
