Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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