good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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