she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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