I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
