I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
