I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
