theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize