Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i think i have two assholes
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
