Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize