Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
