my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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