i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I can't turn off my feet"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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