sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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