I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
