why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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