what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
