I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
