my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
