I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
