so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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