I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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