sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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