Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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