just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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