got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
