So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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