I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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