just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
His hands were made for my vagina.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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