If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
