Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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