I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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