This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
