Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
it glows. i had to have it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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