ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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