If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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