Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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