everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
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