Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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