my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
