they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
