The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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