there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
