I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
