I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I think a kid would responsible me up
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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