you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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