I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
