How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
