Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
