I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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