my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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