We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
