chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
