my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
