How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
